Where Was My Mother?
On a recent interview and many before the question is always asked, “Where was your mother?” As hard as I try to avoid the question, it never fails to be asked. On The 700 Club, Terry Meeuwsen even went as far to say that you must have also wondered, “Where was your mother when this was taking place.”
How do I say she was in the next room? How do I say she was there with eyes that wouldn’t see? How do I explain she was there with arms that would not defend? She was there with a cold heart to the bruises I wore. She was there blind to the hurt in my eyes. She was there insensitive to the burdens I carried. She was there consumed with her own survival. How I do I say she was hunkered down behind a great wall of denial. I absolutely wondered, not wanting to face the fact that she was there all along.
Because the truth is my mother has asked for me to “leave her out of this.” I guess I could say, “I was hatched from an egg and there was not a mother responsible for my well being.” But that would be a lie. I learned to lie as a child to protect my mother. Even to answer a stranger who asked, “How are you?” and you answer, “Fine.” That was a lie the size of
when every fiber of your being is screaming,
“I am rotting away inside from the filth and constant attacks.” I would love to leave her out of this but the
fact of the matter is I had a mother, like millions of survivors that may read
this one day, that played a role in my abuse.
I cannot leave my mother out of this but I can leave all the bitterness and resentfulness, and honor her as God requires, forgiving her every day, even for the request to, “Leave her out of this.”
Sometimes, if we speak truth, we are accused of not forgiving. I don’t see how the two are connected. I can forgive me mother but yet answer the question, “Where was she?” I know where she was physically, but mentally I don’t know where she was. All I know is that she did not protect me. The little girl never had a voice, but today I have a voice and a voice that no one will ever take away. I am a mother and I will protect my children and all the children that God gives me strength for my life to touch. I will even protect the little girl inside of me that did not have a mother that protected her.
To learn more about the subject of child sexual abuse and how you can be better prepared to protect the children in your life, please visit VOICE Today at www.voicetoday.org.
View The 700 Club Interview