Where Was My Mother?
On a recent interview and many before the question is always
asked, “Where was your mother?” As hard
as I try to avoid the question, it never fails to be asked. On The 700 Club, Terry Meeuwsen even went as
far to say that you must have also wondered, “Where was your mother when this
was taking place.”
How do I say she was in the next room? How do I say she was there with eyes that
wouldn’t see? How do I explain she was
there with arms that would not defend?
She was there with a cold heart to the bruises I wore. She was there blind to the hurt in my
eyes. She was there insensitive to the
burdens I carried. She was there
consumed with her own survival. How I do
I say she was hunkered down behind a great wall of denial. I absolutely wondered, not wanting to face
the fact that she was there all along.
Because the truth is my mother has asked for me to “leave
her out of this.” I guess I could say,
“I was hatched from an egg and there was not a mother responsible for my well
being.” But that would be a lie. I learned to lie as a child to protect my
mother. Even to answer a stranger who
asked, “How are you?” and you answer, “Fine.”
That was a lie the size of Mount Rushmore
when every fiber of your being is screaming,
“I am rotting away inside from the filth and constant attacks.” I would love to leave her out of this but the
fact of the matter is I had a mother, like millions of survivors that may read
this one day, that played a role in my abuse.
I cannot leave my mother out of this but I can leave all the
bitterness and resentfulness, and honor her as God requires, forgiving her
every day, even for the request to, “Leave her out of this.”
Sometimes, if we speak truth, we are accused of not
forgiving. I don’t see how the two are
connected. I can forgive me mother but
yet answer the question, “Where was she?”
I know where she was physically, but mentally I don’t know where she
was. All I know is that she did not
protect me. The little girl never had a
voice, but today I have a voice and a voice that no one will ever take away. I am a mother and I will protect my children
and all the children that God gives me strength for my life to touch. I will even protect the little girl inside of
me that did not have a mother that protected her.
To learn more about the subject of child sexual abuse and
how you can be better prepared to protect the children in your life, please
visit VOICE Today at www.voicetoday.org.
View The 700 Club Interview
Angela,
ReplyDeleteFirst, thank you for finding your own voice. It gives courage to those of us still struggling to find or use ours.
I can relate to your post "Where Was My Mother?" My mother too has flat out said that she does not want to talk about it (my father was the perpetrator) because it upsets her too much. She misquotes the verse to me just "forgive and forget." The think is, I forgot - or rather "repressed" - for 30 some years! It is impossible to forget, your body always remembers (and your subconscious too).
My mother will be coming to visit me in June of this year (2013). She rarely writes or calls me. It has been 6 years since she has come here to visit myself, my 4 sons, and one grandchild. She will be spending only half of her time with me, if that. She has brothers and sisters who live 2 hours south of us. She sees her sisters once every year. When I suggested she spend her time just with us her comment was, "Oh, I can't come up there and not spend time with my brothers and sisters."
I am not sure how to handle her visit. If it were up to her, it would be superficial talk and only about good things. Yet, I have done so much work and healing that I refuse to live a lie-to say I'm fine when I'm not. What that looks like around her I don't know. If you have any thoughts I would appreciate it. Or from anyone who reads your blog.
God bless, Angela!
Thank you so much for reading my blog. I have learned to love my mother and to accept what she can give to our relationship without any expectations. I know how hard this is and is certainly easier said than done because the little girl inside of you and the little girl inside of me wants our mother to hold us, tell how very sorry they are for all our pain and just hold us while we cry. So for the words you may never hear from your mother I will say that I am so very sorry for your pain, for the perversion you were exposed to and for the loss of your innocence. I pray that you can let God hold you and comfort you as only He can. I will pray for your visit and that God grants you an extra measure of grace for your mother and her inability to take responsibility for protecting or comforting you. Bless you my sweet sister.
DeleteAngela