Molestation-A Very Sanitary Word

One way to avoid facing the violence, violation and trauma of child sexual abuse is to characterize it with a word that does not conjure up a harsh image.  In fact “Molestation” does not bring with it any particular image at all.  Child sexual abuse is a crime where an adult takes power and control over the child and forces or entices the child to engage in sexual activity. 

When a child is shot, you picture a gunshot wound and blood. When a child is stabbed you picture a knife and a puncture wound. In both cases the outcome may be death or serious harm, but when you hear the word “molestation” you have no picture.  Our minds don’t want to travel to dark side of child sexual abuse so, for sheer protection; we visualize some form of inappropriate, if not gentle, contact. We don’t consider that the first “gentle” contact is only a precursor to severe sexual violence. We don’t consider the emotional trauma that comes with even that “gentle” touch.  We may tend to process what we see or hear in the context of an adult relationship, when sexual activity is fun and enjoyable.  For the child nothing could be farther from the reality.

Why don’t the media report that a child was raped, sodomized, penetrated with a blunt object, or forced to perform oral sex?   Why does society package and hide all these heinous acts behind the sanitary word “molestation”?  The answer to this question is, in large measure, that society is offended by the visual image of a small, maybe 5-7 year old, child being raped, sodomized or performing oral sex.  The most critical point that society misses is that it is much easier to read and watch a video reporting these things than to live them.  How does the child get true understanding, empathy and help, if society cannot and will not embrace the reality of the violence they experience.

It is time for our culture to wake-up to the truth about child sexual abuse and be educated on the issue, the devious behaviors of predators and prevention steps that enhance the safety of children.  Child sexual abuse is not like an allergy or an infection, where one takes medicine, the problem goes away and in a few months is forgotten.  It is an crime that tears at the very fiber of the child’s being and it alters your identity in such a way as to coat you with shame and self-hatred.   For many victims there is not a day that goes by that their childhood sexual abuse does not haunt them in one way or another.  Child sexual abuse is indeed the murder of innocence and thus the picture seen, the words used and the penalties imposed should mirror the gravity of the acts.

Child sexual abuse, and all the acts packaged into this crime, is a hard pill to swallow and a difficult issue to discuss.  However, each of us must get past the initial shock, recognize the devastating, life-long impact of the violence and get tough and aggressive about protection and prevention.  Our children are being victimized at an alarming rate.  The CDC reports 1 in 4 girls and 1 in 6 boys will be sexually abused before their 18^th birthday.  As if those statistics aren’t scary enough, know that these facts are based on reported abuse and millions upon millions of cases go unreported.  Of the thousands of survivors in the VOICE family , only a handful reported their childhood sexual abuse to authorities and sought justice.  Also note that the CDC statistics reflect only penetration and fondling.  Other forms of childhood sexual abuse like exposure to pornography, exhibitionism, voyeurism, and other forms of evil perpetrated against a child are not included in these reported statistics.  Regardless of the numbers, the victimization of one child is too many.  

What can we do?  If you are an adult survivor of childhood sexual abuse, we encourage you to find a safe person and break your silence and begin to heal.  You need to tell your story to heal and others need to hear your story to learn about the predator, about the issue and about prevention and protection. Stop using the word molestation and have the courage to report truth.  Join The VOICE Movement at www.voicetoday.org and get involved in breaking the silence and cycle of child sexual abuse through awareness, prevention and healing programs.  

I am a survivor of child sexual abuse.  I wasn’t “molested”.  I was raped thousands of times over 14 years by my stepfather.

MY STORY 

Shadows of Shame

For survivors of child sexual abuse it seems as if we live in dark shadows of shame and cast that shadow of shame wherever we go.  In most circles the mention of child sexual abuse is unwelcome, or allowed only with discomfort and disdain.  My prayer is for 2012 is the year that members of society open their eyes and begin to understand the trauma taking place right in front of them.  Unfortunately, those who have not suffered from child sexual abuse have difficulty grasping the depth of destruction it causes.  Taking the issue seriously means focusing attention on prevention and healing, not a few days or week of sensational headlines. 

Rescue efforts are admirable for the children trapped in commercial sexual exploitation and trafficking, but we cannot rescue children fast enough.  A significant contributor  to a child winding up on the streets and being forced into prostitution is the sexual violation of that child at a younger age.  The median age of a sexually abused child is 9 years.  We meet many whose sexual abuse started at ages 2-4.  As a society, we are conditioned that the greatest risks to children are strangers, when in fact 90% of abuse is by someone the child knows, loves and trusts.  Running away from home (TO THE STREETS) is just one self-destructive path the sexually abused child takes. Their vulnerability exposes them to an even darker and more evil world on the streets. Then they spend a lifetime trying to scrap off the filth, the guilt and the shame.

The shame and fear of child sexual abuse does not drive every child to the streets and ultimately to prostitution.  Many suffer quietly in a silent prison of pain, trying to navigate life while carrying the shame from the childhood violation.  Few ever disclose and even fewer ever seek and find justice.  The shame they carry leads to unfulfilled lives lost talents and failed relationships. When a child finds the courage to disclose, they are frequently met with denial or urged to remain silent to “protect the family reputation”.   Family and friends frequently convey the message that survivor’s outspoken comments about being sexually molested as a child cause them to be shamed or dirty just by association. Why? 

Consider the CDC statistics that 1 in 4 girls and 1 in 6 boys are reportedly sexually abused by age 18 and those numbers may understate the real frequency because of the narrow definitions used, and the reluctance of victims to report. I believe that child sexual abuse has infected a stunning number of families.  If the abuser is the father or stepfather the focus is on protecting the family income.   If the abuser is a family friend, a coach, or a teacher the focus is on the credibility of the child.

If you are not a part of the solution, you are part of the problem.  Those that turn a blind eye are, in many ways, just as guilty as the perpetrator.  I invite you to visit www.voicetoday.org and learn how you can become educated to protect children and be a voice for safety in your community.

All I Want For Christmas...

At five years old, toothless, I sang, “All I want for Christmas is my two front teeth,” but deep down I wanted so much more.  I wanted a day without fear of abuse.  I wanted that childlike wonder that I saw all around me at Christmas time.  Abuse came in all flavors in my home.  One wrong move and it was all out war, with screaming of obscenities, swinging of fists, open hand slaps across the face, pulling of hair, shaking until  fireworks burst in my head.  Then in moments of calm I tried to catch my breath, but I was lured behind closed doors.  Shockingly, my stepfather was even so brazen to conduct his evil out in the open.  He forced me, with his iron hand, to perform perverted acts and tell me how much he loved me and this special time was our secret.  He said he needed to teach me so much about life.   If ever I rebelled the violence would escalate and then he would turn on my mother and blame me.  As I grew older he threatened killing my mother if I ever told.  My abuse started at age 3 and did not end until age 17. 

As a grown woman I know too much about life.  I know about the most evil acts perpetrated on a child.  Though for years I felt to blame, I know now I did nothing to deserve such inhumane violence.   

Days before Christmas my heart breaks for to the millions upon millions of children that are suffering in their own personal hell, bearing the burden of abuse alone with the world turning a blind eye.   There are millions of children whose childlike wonder has been robbed by child sexual abuse and I know that pain.

I may be idealistic but all I want for Christmas is a world that is safe for children and healing for survivors.  My Christmas wish is for adults to face the silent epidemic of child sexual abuse with a courage and compassion to make a difference.   We can not continue to look the other way while millions of children are slaughtered by sexual abuse, and while millions of adults live in the shadows, hiding the pain of abuse with most of them suffering in self destructive behaviors.    Courage means that you become vigilant and a protector of the most vulnerable among us, and compassionate to those who have suffered.  My Christmas wish is to save the innocence that is stolen and to protect the childlike wonder and joy that is destroyed through these vile acts. 

I wish more people would (that you would) get involved with our Movement, THE VOICE MOVEMENT, to battle for social change in terms of addressing the root issues behind abuse, legal change with removing the statute of limitations for prosecuting, and educating adults who work with and around children about prevention and protection.  As I plow through all the daily  issues and challenges associated with VOICE Today, I wish for the resources and the people to do the work needed, and for strategic relationships to be established that will allow us to get our prevention and protections training materials recognized, accepted, widely distributed, and everyone is trained to predict and prevent.   I pray for a day when my phone doesn’t ring with another story of a child whose been brutally assaulted and left confused and injured to navigate life, which already holds mountains of challenges.  My wish is for THE VOICE MOVEMENT to become viral to promote awareness, prevention and healing programs worldwide.

You can help make my Christmas wish come true.  Please take five minutes to watch the VOICE Today POP Points.  VOICE Up, have courage to protect the children in your sphere of contact.  Join the VOICE MOVEMENT – donate, volunteer, host a prevention and healing workshop in 2012! 

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

Silenced – The Taboo of Sexual Abuse of Children

There is a culture of silence surrounding the issue of child sexual abuse. I founded VOICE Today to be an organization that promotes courage to speak up and speak out about the issue.  We will never protect children nor will we ever heal from the wounds of sexual abuse in the darkness and silence.  So today we look at the power behind the silence. 

I believe we are living in a time when the world is more and more desensitized to sexual issues.  We are bombarded by pornography and sexual perversion in media, the entertainment industry and in our society.  This perversion has so influenced our minds that words like sex means nothing.  Sex is no longer a precious gift between a man and a woman in the covenant of marriage.  Instead our media is fostering a value system that says sex is acceptable anywhere, anytime with anybody, but watch out for HIV/AIDS and STDs.  It is no wonder that it is more and more difficult to protect a child from sexual predators.  Descriptions of the atrocities at Penn State University and at Syracuse University are heart-breaking.  By labeling it a “Sex Scandal” implies that these children were co-conspirators in the evil behavior. 

 

Generations have been taught to keep the ghost in the closet.  There is a gag order on the vast number of adults who have suffered some form of sexual abuse as a child, reinforced with shame, guilt and isolation when an individual steps out and speaks about the unspeakable..  Generations have handed down this evil heirloom of child sexual abuse to protect the perpetrator and the family name.  It is not only a blemish on a family name, a family reputation but also on  a school, a youth serving organization, a faith center that otherwise rational adults will go to any length to conceal the crime.   These adults who sense and see evil behavior become accomplices in the crime, but keep silent are just as accountable as the perpetrator. 

The issue of the risk and response to sexual abuse is drowned in an ocean of ignorance and awkwardness.  Most parents are so uncomfortable with the topic of sex that they fail to become educate and then teach their children about the risk and response to sexual abuse.  They fail to empower their children and properly prepare them, even though 1 in 6 boys and 1 in 4 girls will be sexually abuse before age 18.  Child sexual abuse is a silent EPIDEMIC.  Most adults, they fail to educate children on the definition of sexual abuse, they fail to give a child the permission to scream, run and tell a safe person, when someone crosses their personal boundaries.   They believe their child is NOT at risk, but in most cases have no understanding of the devious behaviors of a predator.  Unfortunately, many adults are not comfortable with their own sexuality and, frequently, talking about sex and personal boundaries with children, forces them to face their own traumatizing childhood experiences.

The excruciating pain and lifelong damage of the violation of sexual abuse is so overwhelming that many block out all memories.  As the victim these memories surface as self destructive behaviors, leaving the victim hiding in the shadow of fear, guilt and shame.  Many isolate and lose the ability to ever trust, and, as a result, live alive without the true caring and closeness of real friendship. 

The message we send to victims when we do not intervene and stand up for justice is that “YOU don’t matter and I am not willing to be uncomfortable or inconvenienced to protect you”.  Many survivors believe because the perpetrator is protected and shielded that they did something wrong.  I hate to think it is intentional but let’s face it, a survivor bears an enormous amount of stigma related to sexual abuse.  As a survivor I’ve received the looks of disgust, I’ve heard the words, “Why didn’t you tell?”  or the famous, “You just need to get over that and put it behind you.”  Either intentionally or inadvertently these messages heap guilt and shame on the victim.

What is the answer!  The answer is breaking down first the barrier of ignorance and learning all you can about child sexual abuse and then taking steps to break your silence and/or support others to do so.  Learn the risks, learn the signs, learn the behavior of a predator, and learn how to take a disclosure that fosters truth, honesty and healing.  Voice Today is striving to the education adults through the POWER OF PROTECTION POINTS.  Please care enough about the safety of a child to give 7 minutes to watch this VIDEO. Then you will see why it is important to then sponsor and attend more detailed workshops.

If you are a survivor of child sexual abuse, then today can be your day to step into truth and light of healing and break your silence.  You don’t deserve to suffer another moment.  You can release the shame and guilt.  You were a child and had no power to protect yourself and the adults in your life failed in their responsibility to protect you.  Your VOICE will give others the courage to break their silence.  One VOICE at a time we can break the silence and cycle of child sexual abuse.

I have written my story of 14 years of sexual abuse at the hands of my stepfather and my long journey to healing, From Sorrows To Sapphires, and Tom Scales has written his survival through the abuse from many abusers in Terrible Things Happened To Me.  Please order these books for a donation of any amount at VOICE TODAY ESHOP.