She Doesn’t Believe Me…

I was 17 years old when I was forced to disclose to my mother that my stepfather had been raping me for the past 14 years.   I was still very hung over from the 64 sleeping pills I had ingested the night before and the ½ bottle of straight  vodka I drank to wash down each death pill.  I’ll never forget my mother’s finger in my face calling me a liar and a drug addict.   Here is an excerpt from my book, “From Sorrows To Sapphires,” where I describe that horrible day in my life:

“Rejection and Rejuvenation

I can barely write what took place over the next few hours. I had arrived at Nicole’s father’s law office physically exhausted after the night I’d endured.  I could not stop shaking.  My body quivered from fear and exhaustion. The stress of the night, the sleeping pills, and the alcohol’s effects were still in my system.  I was sitting upright in a chair when my Mother entered the room.  She showed no mercy but immediately lit into me. She screamed that I had set in motion a chain of events that would now ruin her life. She blasted me with both barrels:

“You have ruined my life.  How could you do this?  How could you embarrass and destroy our family?  You must be on drugs.  You’re shaking like you’re on drugs.  I knew you were on drugs.  You’ve become a drug addict.”  She never let me open my mouth. She continued to berate me, her eyelids blinking frantically, as I sat in the chair with my head hung down low.  “I’ve contacted the Wells, and they said they would take you. You can go there this afternoon and leave us alone. This can’t be true. It’s all a lie. You are a liar. You’re a big liar.” She was fireball-red from the top of her chin all the way down her neck with red blotches screaming anger and fear out of her skin.

She would have hit me had she not thought she was being monitored closely.  I could tell she wanted to rip me to pieces.  She could have pulled every hair out of my head, and that still wouldn’t have solved her problems.  She told me I could come to the house and gather my things, but I needed to make it fast.  “You don’t need to put us through anymore today.  We’ve had a horrible night. You have really ruined our lives, and I want you as far away from me as possible, out of our lives for good.  I want you out.  I don’t even know who you are.  You are not the little girl I raised and loved.  You are not the little girl I sacrificed my life for.  I’ve called the Wells, and they’re going to take you in.  You can go there as soon as you get your stuff, and I don’t want to ever see you again.  You need to be with the Wells.  You need to be with them now!  Maybe they can figure you out,” her voice quivered. 

Her eyelids were batting faster, as they always did when she was nervous, and her voice was stern and detached, and her neck was covered with red blotches.  There was no sympathy in her tone. There was no wavering in her decision.  I had told the unthinkable, the unbelievable, and her response was to bury herself in denial. The reality of what was happening at that moment was more than I could process. She turned her back to me, and even more heartbreaking, turned her back on me.

She walked out and slammed the door. Nicole’s father must have known I needed a few minutes, so I was left alone in the cold conference room.  I was flabbergasted.  I did not even have the strength to lift my head up.  Never did I ever imagine she would turn her back on me.  That was the final blow.  The worst blow I could have received. “Why God?  Why didn’t you take me last night?  Why is there no end to my suffering?”  My soul had been ripped out, my heart shattered to a million pieces.  My Mother didn’t love me enough to fight for me, to believe me.  I’d spent years enduring the unbearable, all those years protecting her and protecting the secret.  She chose him.  She turned her back on me and chose him.  She betrayed me. I had no one and nowhere to go.  I wasn’t going to Danbury. The Wells’ left me and never looked back. They walked out of my life.  I wasn’t going to beg them to take me in.   I didn’t need them.  I didn’t need anybody.

The door opened and Nicole’s father towered over me, as my head was still hanging between my legs.  “You have to make a decision.  We can seek justice.  I need to know what to do, and I need to know right now.”  His stern, deep voice shocked me back into reality.  

“Can I have some time to think this through?  I’ve protected them for so long.  I never wanted her to know.  I never wanted to hurt her like this.” 

He stayed on his point as a lawyer: “I’m sorry, but you have to make a move now.  I have no choice because you are a minor.  You have to focus on you now.  I will prosecute.  We can put him behind bars, we can get justice,” he urged in a deep firm tone. 

“There is no justice in this, no justice,” I said. “I just want my freedom.  Please get me my freedom.  I don’t want anything but my freedom, please,” I whispered in a soft crackling voice.  “Just my freedom.  Please get me my freedom, and I’ll go as far away from this place as I can get.  I promise, please just let me out of this hell, please let it be over.” 

He saw the utter despair in my face, and the total hopelessness of my situation.  Out of pity, he asked if I wanted to stay with them a few days until we figured things out. I was in such a pitiful state; he had no choice but to extend a hand.  I thought I was at the end of my rope on the bridge last night, and within a few hours, I had slipped even further down.  There was no fight left in me.  I was tired, I was alone, and I was defeated.  I truly know what it feels like to be at the end of yourself and sitting on the bottom of life.  At that moment, I had no more of me to depend on; I had only God.  All I had was blind faith and a verse I clung to: “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.” (Philippians 4:13)

Within what seemed like minutes, I was getting my emancipation in front of a judge and my petition for freedom granted.  “Get your education and make sure to make something of yourself,” said the judge.   “Don’t let this ruin your life.  You can rise above.  Many others have done so,” he continued.  Nicole’s father assured him he would seek therapy for me, and I would be living with them for a while.

Nicole drove me to

465 Briar Patch Place

. Mom, Carl and my two sisters peered through the window as we got out of the car.  The reception was cold.  It took less than ten minutes to gather my belongings. I was given two black trash bags.  My heart raced with fear and exhaustion. Carl stayed out of my way, my Mother cried, and my sisters clung to my legs, pleading for me not to leave them.

I was so angry, so fiercely angry, as I shoved my clothes into the bag and grabbed my eight-track player and all my eight tracks. I asked if I could take my bicycle, and they agreed.  I found my schoolbooks, but not my diary.

“Can I have my diary please?”  She said she didn’t know where it was.  “It was in the car last night,” I replied.

“No, you can’t have your diary. It’s gone. He burned it in the ditch this morning.” [The diary, it turns out, was not destroyed, and miraculously, years later, I was able to find it, well-hidden under the armoire in the master bedroom at

465 Briar Patch Place

. The “Journal” entries within this book came from this diary.] 

Her reply didn’t register, as I needed to get out of there immediately before I started doing dishes or making the beds or worse, grabbing a butcher knife and going stark raving mad.  I had to get out of there before I buckled, before I wrapped my arms around my sisters, thinking that I needed to stay to protect them more than I needed to go to protect myself.   Leaving them behind made my gut ache. I wrapped my arms around them, held them close and said, “You both look me in the eye now.  I love you, and I’ll be back to see you.  You can call me at this number if you need me, and I’ll be back to see you.  Be good.  I’ll be back, I swear, I’m not leaving for good.  Just a little while, and I’ll be back.”  Tears streamed down their cheeks. “Please don’t cry, please,” I pleaded.

      I had to leave my bicycle behind, as I threw the bags in the back of Nicole’s Toyota Supra. She said, “Help me take the tee-tops off.  I have an idea.” We took the tee-tops off, and she told me to stand up in the front seat and scream to the top of my lungs.  She said, “Experience your freedom.  Scream ‘I’m free!’” 

There was a mass in my throat.  I couldn’t talk.  I choked, but in a matter of seconds, I went manic as I screamed and screamed - all the way down

Fontaine Drive

and all the way down Highway 217.  She drove me all over town for hours screaming.  It felt so good.  I was free, and I had so much to scream about. I laughed, I cried, and I screamed.  She was the best friend a girl could have.  She kept driving, and I kept screaming all the way down

Victory Drive

(that was its name and it symbolized what I was experiencing!)

This was so very different for me. Often I would let my breakdowns explode inside my head, and I would scream silently. But now, thanks to Nicole, the screams were boiling out. And now, also thanks to Nicole, I felt release.  She smiled at me as she drove, and I enjoyed the freedom to scream. I enjoyed the freedom to smile.

For those that are in this place of denial by your mother and other family members, my heart bleeds for you.  I know your pain but please know that there is hope that you will get past this grief and build a happy life.  That life may or may not include your mother or your family, but regardless we need to forgive those that have so deeply wronged us.  It is not about releasing them from responsibility or accountability, it is about freeing ourselves from all the anger, the resentment, the pain they caused us.  Love, Joy and happiness cannot coexist with rage, vengeance and hate.  I have heard a quote that goes like this, “Unforgiveness is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.”

I am still trying to build a relationship with my mother and it is always one act of forgiveness at a time.  I have to give extra forgiveness for her insensitivity, her callous remarks about my childhood, and total lack of responsibility and accountability for her own actions.  The conversation always turns to her mental state, and her inability to face this situation in her life.  She justifies all my pain with what a good person she is and what a good life she lives.  So I swallow and I make the decision to continue to work on our relationship to the extent that it does not hurt me emotionally.  I have suffered enough and I continue to build good boundaries when it comes to a relationship with my mother.  I realize it may never be like the relationship I have with my own daughter but I love my mother and I wish her nothing but the best.

If you are hurting and need prayer please contact prayer@voicetoday.org.  To order “From Sorrows To Sapphires,” go to www.voicetoday.org and visit our e-shop!

Molestation-A Very Sanitary Word

One way to avoid facing the violence, violation and trauma of child sexual abuse is to characterize it with a word that does not conjure up a harsh image.  In fact “Molestation” does not bring with it any particular image at all.  Child sexual abuse is a crime where an adult takes power and control over the child and forces or entices the child to engage in sexual activity. 

When a child is shot, you picture a gunshot wound and blood. When a child is stabbed you picture a knife and a puncture wound. In both cases the outcome may be death or serious harm, but when you hear the word “molestation” you have no picture.  Our minds don’t want to travel to dark side of child sexual abuse so, for sheer protection; we visualize some form of inappropriate, if not gentle, contact. We don’t consider that the first “gentle” contact is only a precursor to severe sexual violence. We don’t consider the emotional trauma that comes with even that “gentle” touch.  We may tend to process what we see or hear in the context of an adult relationship, when sexual activity is fun and enjoyable.  For the child nothing could be farther from the reality.

Why don’t the media report that a child was raped, sodomized, penetrated with a blunt object, or forced to perform oral sex?   Why does society package and hide all these heinous acts behind the sanitary word “molestation”?  The answer to this question is, in large measure, that society is offended by the visual image of a small, maybe 5-7 year old, child being raped, sodomized or performing oral sex.  The most critical point that society misses is that it is much easier to read and watch a video reporting these things than to live them.  How does the child get true understanding, empathy and help, if society cannot and will not embrace the reality of the violence they experience.

It is time for our culture to wake-up to the truth about child sexual abuse and be educated on the issue, the devious behaviors of predators and prevention steps that enhance the safety of children.  Child sexual abuse is not like an allergy or an infection, where one takes medicine, the problem goes away and in a few months is forgotten.  It is an crime that tears at the very fiber of the child’s being and it alters your identity in such a way as to coat you with shame and self-hatred.   For many victims there is not a day that goes by that their childhood sexual abuse does not haunt them in one way or another.  Child sexual abuse is indeed the murder of innocence and thus the picture seen, the words used and the penalties imposed should mirror the gravity of the acts.

Child sexual abuse, and all the acts packaged into this crime, is a hard pill to swallow and a difficult issue to discuss.  However, each of us must get past the initial shock, recognize the devastating, life-long impact of the violence and get tough and aggressive about protection and prevention.  Our children are being victimized at an alarming rate.  The CDC reports 1 in 4 girls and 1 in 6 boys will be sexually abused before their 18^th birthday.  As if those statistics aren’t scary enough, know that these facts are based on reported abuse and millions upon millions of cases go unreported.  Of the thousands of survivors in the VOICE family , only a handful reported their childhood sexual abuse to authorities and sought justice.  Also note that the CDC statistics reflect only penetration and fondling.  Other forms of childhood sexual abuse like exposure to pornography, exhibitionism, voyeurism, and other forms of evil perpetrated against a child are not included in these reported statistics.  Regardless of the numbers, the victimization of one child is too many.  

What can we do?  If you are an adult survivor of childhood sexual abuse, we encourage you to find a safe person and break your silence and begin to heal.  You need to tell your story to heal and others need to hear your story to learn about the predator, about the issue and about prevention and protection. Stop using the word molestation and have the courage to report truth.  Join The VOICE Movement at www.voicetoday.org and get involved in breaking the silence and cycle of child sexual abuse through awareness, prevention and healing programs.  

I am a survivor of child sexual abuse.  I wasn’t “molested”.  I was raped thousands of times over 14 years by my stepfather.

MY STORY 

Shadows of Shame

For survivors of child sexual abuse it seems as if we live in dark shadows of shame and cast that shadow of shame wherever we go.  In most circles the mention of child sexual abuse is unwelcome, or allowed only with discomfort and disdain.  My prayer is for 2012 is the year that members of society open their eyes and begin to understand the trauma taking place right in front of them.  Unfortunately, those who have not suffered from child sexual abuse have difficulty grasping the depth of destruction it causes.  Taking the issue seriously means focusing attention on prevention and healing, not a few days or week of sensational headlines. 

Rescue efforts are admirable for the children trapped in commercial sexual exploitation and trafficking, but we cannot rescue children fast enough.  A significant contributor  to a child winding up on the streets and being forced into prostitution is the sexual violation of that child at a younger age.  The median age of a sexually abused child is 9 years.  We meet many whose sexual abuse started at ages 2-4.  As a society, we are conditioned that the greatest risks to children are strangers, when in fact 90% of abuse is by someone the child knows, loves and trusts.  Running away from home (TO THE STREETS) is just one self-destructive path the sexually abused child takes. Their vulnerability exposes them to an even darker and more evil world on the streets. Then they spend a lifetime trying to scrap off the filth, the guilt and the shame.

The shame and fear of child sexual abuse does not drive every child to the streets and ultimately to prostitution.  Many suffer quietly in a silent prison of pain, trying to navigate life while carrying the shame from the childhood violation.  Few ever disclose and even fewer ever seek and find justice.  The shame they carry leads to unfulfilled lives lost talents and failed relationships. When a child finds the courage to disclose, they are frequently met with denial or urged to remain silent to “protect the family reputation”.   Family and friends frequently convey the message that survivor’s outspoken comments about being sexually molested as a child cause them to be shamed or dirty just by association. Why? 

Consider the CDC statistics that 1 in 4 girls and 1 in 6 boys are reportedly sexually abused by age 18 and those numbers may understate the real frequency because of the narrow definitions used, and the reluctance of victims to report. I believe that child sexual abuse has infected a stunning number of families.  If the abuser is the father or stepfather the focus is on protecting the family income.   If the abuser is a family friend, a coach, or a teacher the focus is on the credibility of the child.

If you are not a part of the solution, you are part of the problem.  Those that turn a blind eye are, in many ways, just as guilty as the perpetrator.  I invite you to visit www.voicetoday.org and learn how you can become educated to protect children and be a voice for safety in your community.

Silenced – The Taboo of Sexual Abuse of Children

There is a culture of silence surrounding the issue of child sexual abuse. I founded VOICE Today to be an organization that promotes courage to speak up and speak out about the issue.  We will never protect children nor will we ever heal from the wounds of sexual abuse in the darkness and silence.  So today we look at the power behind the silence. 

I believe we are living in a time when the world is more and more desensitized to sexual issues.  We are bombarded by pornography and sexual perversion in media, the entertainment industry and in our society.  This perversion has so influenced our minds that words like sex means nothing.  Sex is no longer a precious gift between a man and a woman in the covenant of marriage.  Instead our media is fostering a value system that says sex is acceptable anywhere, anytime with anybody, but watch out for HIV/AIDS and STDs.  It is no wonder that it is more and more difficult to protect a child from sexual predators.  Descriptions of the atrocities at Penn State University and at Syracuse University are heart-breaking.  By labeling it a “Sex Scandal” implies that these children were co-conspirators in the evil behavior. 

 

Generations have been taught to keep the ghost in the closet.  There is a gag order on the vast number of adults who have suffered some form of sexual abuse as a child, reinforced with shame, guilt and isolation when an individual steps out and speaks about the unspeakable..  Generations have handed down this evil heirloom of child sexual abuse to protect the perpetrator and the family name.  It is not only a blemish on a family name, a family reputation but also on  a school, a youth serving organization, a faith center that otherwise rational adults will go to any length to conceal the crime.   These adults who sense and see evil behavior become accomplices in the crime, but keep silent are just as accountable as the perpetrator. 

The issue of the risk and response to sexual abuse is drowned in an ocean of ignorance and awkwardness.  Most parents are so uncomfortable with the topic of sex that they fail to become educate and then teach their children about the risk and response to sexual abuse.  They fail to empower their children and properly prepare them, even though 1 in 6 boys and 1 in 4 girls will be sexually abuse before age 18.  Child sexual abuse is a silent EPIDEMIC.  Most adults, they fail to educate children on the definition of sexual abuse, they fail to give a child the permission to scream, run and tell a safe person, when someone crosses their personal boundaries.   They believe their child is NOT at risk, but in most cases have no understanding of the devious behaviors of a predator.  Unfortunately, many adults are not comfortable with their own sexuality and, frequently, talking about sex and personal boundaries with children, forces them to face their own traumatizing childhood experiences.

The excruciating pain and lifelong damage of the violation of sexual abuse is so overwhelming that many block out all memories.  As the victim these memories surface as self destructive behaviors, leaving the victim hiding in the shadow of fear, guilt and shame.  Many isolate and lose the ability to ever trust, and, as a result, live alive without the true caring and closeness of real friendship. 

The message we send to victims when we do not intervene and stand up for justice is that “YOU don’t matter and I am not willing to be uncomfortable or inconvenienced to protect you”.  Many survivors believe because the perpetrator is protected and shielded that they did something wrong.  I hate to think it is intentional but let’s face it, a survivor bears an enormous amount of stigma related to sexual abuse.  As a survivor I’ve received the looks of disgust, I’ve heard the words, “Why didn’t you tell?”  or the famous, “You just need to get over that and put it behind you.”  Either intentionally or inadvertently these messages heap guilt and shame on the victim.

What is the answer!  The answer is breaking down first the barrier of ignorance and learning all you can about child sexual abuse and then taking steps to break your silence and/or support others to do so.  Learn the risks, learn the signs, learn the behavior of a predator, and learn how to take a disclosure that fosters truth, honesty and healing.  Voice Today is striving to the education adults through the POWER OF PROTECTION POINTS.  Please care enough about the safety of a child to give 7 minutes to watch this VIDEO. Then you will see why it is important to then sponsor and attend more detailed workshops.

If you are a survivor of child sexual abuse, then today can be your day to step into truth and light of healing and break your silence.  You don’t deserve to suffer another moment.  You can release the shame and guilt.  You were a child and had no power to protect yourself and the adults in your life failed in their responsibility to protect you.  Your VOICE will give others the courage to break their silence.  One VOICE at a time we can break the silence and cycle of child sexual abuse.

I have written my story of 14 years of sexual abuse at the hands of my stepfather and my long journey to healing, From Sorrows To Sapphires, and Tom Scales has written his survival through the abuse from many abusers in Terrible Things Happened To Me.  Please order these books for a donation of any amount at VOICE TODAY ESHOP. 

The Horror at Home for the Holidays!

There is anticipation in the air as planned the pilgrimage home takes shape to spend the holidays with family and close friends.  For many it is a joyful and exciting time of comfort and relief to be home to recharge and refresh.  To millions, however, it is a time of great stress and angst.  Few realize that 90% of all sexual abuse is from someone the child knows, loves and trusts and 60% of these attacks come from within the family.  Even more tragic is that only 1 in 10 children, even adults will ever tell.  The vast majority of survivors child sexual abuse that I meet through VOICE Today are either suffering in silence or their disclosure was met with disbelief and covered up by family and friends.  Many families treat child sexual abuse as the deep dark ghost in the closet that we never speak of.  The secret becomes the elephant in the room that sits on the chest of the survivor.  To survive our holiday time of celebration with those that were charged to protect us as children, turned a blind eye, discredited and devalued us as a human being, and maybe even violated our most basic human right to be safe, we must put on many masks to hide the excruciating pain.  Some survivors are even forced to face their abuser and pretend nothing ever happened.  At holiday time a survivor may be forced to return to the place where the abuse occurred, just to spend time and celebrate with safe friends and family.

How does this impact the survivor?  Weeks are spent dreading the visit.  Many start way in advance, suppressing the rage, the pain, the sensations of the sexual abuse, fighting the tapes of the abuse that play over and over in our minds.  These feelings may manifest in outward rage and rebellion, or internally with self destructive behavior and physical illness. Many survivors suffer with headaches, depression, isolation, eating disorders, substance abuse and the list goes on.  Then when they arrive to face the town, the home, the smells or even their abuser, triggers of past trauma begin.  Flashbacks of physical and emotional pain are real and debilitating.

What can we do?  Here is some advice for you to survive your “HOME FOR THE HOLIDAY” experience.

Take care of yourself.

Self-Care Suggestions

There are times when the emotions and pain associated with a rape or sexual assault can be overwhelming. These feelings can come immediately after the assault or many years later. The following are things that you can do to help take care of yourself as you recover from the assault that you experienced.

• Make yourself a cup of tea, or a soothing warm drink.
• If it is safe to do so, go for a walk.
• Spend time talking with a trusted friend or family member.
• Workout; exercise helps to increase your body’s production of endorphins which help you feel better.
• Read a favorite book. 
• Write in your journal.
• Find a creative outlet – music, painting, writing poems, etc.
• Sign up for a self-defense course – it may help you to feel more in control. Eat healthy food.
• Most importantly, remind yourself that it is alright for you to feel these emotions – they are normal reactions to an abnormal event.

There are also some things that victims of rape or sexual assault do to cope that are better to avoid:

• Relaying on alcohol or drug use.
• Disclosing personal information in chat rooms or blogs.
• Seeking out situations in which you feel unsafe.
• Taking actions that undermine your self-worth.
• Using food and unhealthy eating as a way to control your body and emotional state.
• Inflicting harm on your body.
• Blaming yourself for what happened.

Flashbacks:  What are Flashbacks?

Flashbacks are when memories of past traumas feel as if they are taking place in the current moment. These memories can take many forms: dreams, sounds, smells, images, body sensations, or overwhelming emotions. This re-experience of the trauma often seems to come from nowhere and, therefore, blurs the lines between past and present, leaving the individual feeling anxious, scared, powerless, or another emotion that they felt at the time of the trauma.

Some flashbacks are mild and brief, a passing moment, while others may be powerful and last a long time. Many times the individual does not even realize that he or she is having a flashback and may feel faint or dissociate.

What helps during a flashback?

If you realize that you are in the middle of a flashback:

• Tell yourself that you are having a flashback and remind yourself that it is not the actual event and that your survived.
• Breathe. Take slow, deep breaths by putting your hand on your stomach and taking deep enough breaths that your hands move out with the inhalations and in with exhalations. This is important because when we panic our body begins to take short, shallow breaths and the decrease in oxygen that accompanies this change increases our panicked state. By increasing the oxygen in your system, you can help to get out of the anxious state you are in.
• Return to the present. Take time to use your five senses to establish where you are in the present. Look around you and take note of the colors in the room. Listen to the sounds that are happening around you. Smell the smells that are in the room with you. Feel the clothes on your skin and take note of how different parts of your body feel (hands, feet. Etc.).
• Recognize what would make you feel more safe. Wrap yourself in a blanket, shut yourself in a room – whatever it takes to feel as if you are secure.
• Get the support of people you can trust. If you can, ask someone for help and support in this time of vulnerability.
• Take time to recover. Let yourself have the time to get back to feeling comfortable and in the present. This may take a while and that is ok. If you like, take a nap, some time for yourself, or whatever it is that would help you feel safe and more comfortable.
• Be good to yourself. Know that you are not crazy and are not doing anything wrong – it takes time to heal.

                                     * Information provided by the Georgia Network to End Sexual Assault

A note to my brothers and sisters who are survived child sexual abuse:  you have survived and you know the truth.  I pray courage and peace over you on your journey to healing.  Have compassion to those surrounding you that don’t understand your trauma and can be insensitive to your pain.  A note to families and friends of a survivor:  compassion, compassion, compassion!  Our prayers are with you this holiday season from all of us at VOICE Today.  As a survivor of 14 years of sexual abuse at the hands of my stepfather and denial by my mother I understand you pain and anguish!  Visit www.voicetoday.org to learn more about child sexual abuse awareness, prevention and healing and to JOIN THE VOICE MOVEMENT!