Never At Peace?

An avalanche of anxious emotions overcomes so many survivors of child sexual abuse.  For years I lived in a place of extreme anxiety riddled with shame, and still struggle at times for peace in my spirit.  The stress and triggers of my abuse seem to exaggerate these feelings.  I understand why so many survivors of child sexual abuse turn to alcohol or other substances in a quest to calm these sometimes overwhelming emotions. 

I began to ponder where this stream of anxiousness begins, whether a trickle or gushing river, and why I don’t have complete control over these emotions.   Having listened to hundreds of survivors share fears from their childhood and I too grew up with my best friend, fear, as a constant companion that never left my side.  My every move for 14 years was premeditated, navigating a minefield of abuse, making sure I planned bath time when my mother was awake or a walk down the hall making sure my stepfather was on the other side of the house.  Like a calculated chess game every move in my home was strategized in what was often a failed attempt to stay safe.

As a child when your safety is jeopardized, whether groomed into a perverted act or touch or brutally raped or sodomized, either consciously or subconsciously you say to yourself, “The world is not safe and I am afraid of the next attack.”   As a survivor, in many cases, you repress the memories and are left wondering why you  are anxious, why you are fearful and why you can’t understand or manage the situation.  Many survivors live for years never connecting the dots from their sexual abuse as a child to the self-destructive addictions or behaviors that may manifest in alcohol and drug addictions, eating disorders, cutting, suicidal thoughts or acts, rage and a plethora of other struggles.

So what is a survivor of child sexual abuse to do?  Here are some suggestions that help me:

1. Face your abuse. Acknowledge the pain that you may have spent a lifetime hiding by repressing feelings and memories.
2. Find a safe person to break your silence and tell your story.
3. Seek professional help from a counselor.
4. Resist the urge to reach for alcohol or drugs to calm your spirit. Only use medication under the guidance of a medical professional.
5. Release the shame you have carried over these years. Accept the reality that you had no power.
6. Find a support group for adult survivors of child sexual abuse.  If you can’t find one ask a counseling center or faith center in your area to start one.
7. Exercise releases calming chemicals in your brain.  Just start with a walk and try to get out of your head on your walk, take deep breaths and focus on the trees, the birds, the flowers, the sky.
8. Pray for peace and strength and ask for prayer.  You can write prayer@voicetoday.org to be prayed over by our prayer team.
9. Contact VOICE Today at www.voicetoday.org and join our mailing list.
10. Be good to yourself as an adult and that little girl or little boy that has suffered so desperately at the hands of your abuser.

My prayer is for you to experience complete healing and join me in my journey to find peace in my spirit.  Know that I know your pain and I am so sorry for your suffering.

LOVE LIFT

At the 2012 Love Campaign Event, my best friend and sweet husband, Phil and I had the honor of speaking to couples about our love. Below were Phil's parting words of wisdom that touched my heart and hopefully will touch yours!

• God formed Eve from one of Adams ribs. God does not do anything accidental, He did this with a symbolism that we all need to remember and contemplate as we go through this life of marriage together. God chose the rib purposefully,

• He did not chose a bone from the head, so woman would not be unduly dominating;

• He did not chose a bone from the foot, so she would not be trampled or walk on,

• He did not chose a bone from the hand, so that she would be reduced to servitude.

• SHE WAS FORMED FROM THE RIB THAT SHE MIGHT BE NEAREST TO MAN’S HEART AND FROM A PLACE BENEATH HIS LOVING AND PROTECTIVE ARMS.

• Marriage is definitely the blending of two separate individuals to form one common and united life. The bonding “agent” is Love: the supporting arm is “consideration”. If you want to be loved, then be lovable.

• Love starts out as a physical feeling and an emotion. It is this love that gets the relationship started in a marriage and can carry it forward for a time. However the love that keeps it growing and succeeding is when over time you realize that Love is not in finding the perfect person, but by seeing an imperfect person perfectly. Immature love says, “I love you because I need you”. Mature love says, “ I need you because I love you”.

Thank you Phil Williams for blessing me with your love and your wisdom!

Molestation-A Very Sanitary Word

One way to avoid facing the violence, violation and trauma of child sexual abuse is to characterize it with a word that does not conjure up a harsh image.  In fact “Molestation” does not bring with it any particular image at all.  Child sexual abuse is a crime where an adult takes power and control over the child and forces or entices the child to engage in sexual activity. 

When a child is shot, you picture a gunshot wound and blood. When a child is stabbed you picture a knife and a puncture wound. In both cases the outcome may be death or serious harm, but when you hear the word “molestation” you have no picture.  Our minds don’t want to travel to dark side of child sexual abuse so, for sheer protection; we visualize some form of inappropriate, if not gentle, contact. We don’t consider that the first “gentle” contact is only a precursor to severe sexual violence. We don’t consider the emotional trauma that comes with even that “gentle” touch.  We may tend to process what we see or hear in the context of an adult relationship, when sexual activity is fun and enjoyable.  For the child nothing could be farther from the reality.

Why don’t the media report that a child was raped, sodomized, penetrated with a blunt object, or forced to perform oral sex?   Why does society package and hide all these heinous acts behind the sanitary word “molestation”?  The answer to this question is, in large measure, that society is offended by the visual image of a small, maybe 5-7 year old, child being raped, sodomized or performing oral sex.  The most critical point that society misses is that it is much easier to read and watch a video reporting these things than to live them.  How does the child get true understanding, empathy and help, if society cannot and will not embrace the reality of the violence they experience.

It is time for our culture to wake-up to the truth about child sexual abuse and be educated on the issue, the devious behaviors of predators and prevention steps that enhance the safety of children.  Child sexual abuse is not like an allergy or an infection, where one takes medicine, the problem goes away and in a few months is forgotten.  It is an crime that tears at the very fiber of the child’s being and it alters your identity in such a way as to coat you with shame and self-hatred.   For many victims there is not a day that goes by that their childhood sexual abuse does not haunt them in one way or another.  Child sexual abuse is indeed the murder of innocence and thus the picture seen, the words used and the penalties imposed should mirror the gravity of the acts.

Child sexual abuse, and all the acts packaged into this crime, is a hard pill to swallow and a difficult issue to discuss.  However, each of us must get past the initial shock, recognize the devastating, life-long impact of the violence and get tough and aggressive about protection and prevention.  Our children are being victimized at an alarming rate.  The CDC reports 1 in 4 girls and 1 in 6 boys will be sexually abused before their 18^th birthday.  As if those statistics aren’t scary enough, know that these facts are based on reported abuse and millions upon millions of cases go unreported.  Of the thousands of survivors in the VOICE family , only a handful reported their childhood sexual abuse to authorities and sought justice.  Also note that the CDC statistics reflect only penetration and fondling.  Other forms of childhood sexual abuse like exposure to pornography, exhibitionism, voyeurism, and other forms of evil perpetrated against a child are not included in these reported statistics.  Regardless of the numbers, the victimization of one child is too many.  

What can we do?  If you are an adult survivor of childhood sexual abuse, we encourage you to find a safe person and break your silence and begin to heal.  You need to tell your story to heal and others need to hear your story to learn about the predator, about the issue and about prevention and protection. Stop using the word molestation and have the courage to report truth.  Join The VOICE Movement at www.voicetoday.org and get involved in breaking the silence and cycle of child sexual abuse through awareness, prevention and healing programs.  

I am a survivor of child sexual abuse.  I wasn’t “molested”.  I was raped thousands of times over 14 years by my stepfather.

MY STORY 

Shadows of Shame

For survivors of child sexual abuse it seems as if we live in dark shadows of shame and cast that shadow of shame wherever we go.  In most circles the mention of child sexual abuse is unwelcome, or allowed only with discomfort and disdain.  My prayer is for 2012 is the year that members of society open their eyes and begin to understand the trauma taking place right in front of them.  Unfortunately, those who have not suffered from child sexual abuse have difficulty grasping the depth of destruction it causes.  Taking the issue seriously means focusing attention on prevention and healing, not a few days or week of sensational headlines. 

Rescue efforts are admirable for the children trapped in commercial sexual exploitation and trafficking, but we cannot rescue children fast enough.  A significant contributor  to a child winding up on the streets and being forced into prostitution is the sexual violation of that child at a younger age.  The median age of a sexually abused child is 9 years.  We meet many whose sexual abuse started at ages 2-4.  As a society, we are conditioned that the greatest risks to children are strangers, when in fact 90% of abuse is by someone the child knows, loves and trusts.  Running away from home (TO THE STREETS) is just one self-destructive path the sexually abused child takes. Their vulnerability exposes them to an even darker and more evil world on the streets. Then they spend a lifetime trying to scrap off the filth, the guilt and the shame.

The shame and fear of child sexual abuse does not drive every child to the streets and ultimately to prostitution.  Many suffer quietly in a silent prison of pain, trying to navigate life while carrying the shame from the childhood violation.  Few ever disclose and even fewer ever seek and find justice.  The shame they carry leads to unfulfilled lives lost talents and failed relationships. When a child finds the courage to disclose, they are frequently met with denial or urged to remain silent to “protect the family reputation”.   Family and friends frequently convey the message that survivor’s outspoken comments about being sexually molested as a child cause them to be shamed or dirty just by association. Why? 

Consider the CDC statistics that 1 in 4 girls and 1 in 6 boys are reportedly sexually abused by age 18 and those numbers may understate the real frequency because of the narrow definitions used, and the reluctance of victims to report. I believe that child sexual abuse has infected a stunning number of families.  If the abuser is the father or stepfather the focus is on protecting the family income.   If the abuser is a family friend, a coach, or a teacher the focus is on the credibility of the child.

If you are not a part of the solution, you are part of the problem.  Those that turn a blind eye are, in many ways, just as guilty as the perpetrator.  I invite you to visit www.voicetoday.org and learn how you can become educated to protect children and be a voice for safety in your community.

New Year's Resolve

New Year's resolutions set many of us up for failure.   We make our list:  loose weight, exercise weekly, work less, play more.  My list almost always includes loosing weight and exercising.  But this year I am not setting myself up for failure.  This year as I look at the blank pages of my 2012 calendar, I ask myself, what will make this year the best year possible?    I am starting my year off with one word: RESOLVE.  Resolve to me means living in a state of determination to stay the course no matter the setbacks, no matter the disappointments, no matter the challenges.   RESOLVE leaves no room for failure because no matter my circumstances I will persevere. It is not a list but an attitude that I seek this year.

We are all on mission and are put on this earth for a special purpose.  I don’t know that I have ever met anyone on mission that said it was easy.  We have a dark force working in this world, Satan who comes to kill, steal and destroy.   But we have a Savior whose birth we just celebrated.  Jesus came to give us power, strength and yes, resolve to accomplish our mission.  Some of us know our calling crystal clear, others don’t, or don’t wish to submit.  I am blessed to know exactly what God has called me to do.  I heard something so life changing years ago, when I lived in a state of confusion.  We don’t seek a God that hides from us.  He tells us over and over in scripture that we knock and the door is opened, that we ask and receive, that He gives good gifts to His children, that He sent the Holy Spirit to be our comforter, our guide, our peace. 

I spent my early adulthood asking God what I was put on this earth to do.  I wondered if I was pleasing God.  I spent many sleepless nights asking God to give me a sign.  Sadly, when I heard His voice and I had the knowing in my heart, I was afraid of the task.    I wrestled with God, just like Jacob.  Fortunately God had great patience with me and gave me physical confirmations that I could never deny.   In my state of fear, disobedience and rebellion I begged for bigger signs.  Looking back that was so disrespectful to the God of the universe.  I heard His voice.  I knew what He had called me to do many years before I said yes Lord.  Yet I tested, yet I wanted to be 1000% sure that I heard correctly, I felt inadequate and unprepared for the task ahead.  

So today, after being on the path to fulfill my mission for several years, I want to share helpful hints that I believe will help you find your RESOLVE in 2012:

1.  Ask God what is your purpose and take action
2. Focus on listening to God’s voice, pray and obey
3. Reject the spirit of fear:  F.E.A.R.  FALSE EVIDENCE APPEARING REAL
4. Make a plan and write it down
5. Expect supernatural miracles to accomplish your mission
6. Stay the course no matter the obstacles
7. Know that you are chosen for such a time as this
8. Shake off disappointments quickly and stay positive
9. Surround yourself with positive people
10. Celebrate victories, both large and small

God does not call the equipped, He equips the called.  I believe God is truly looking for a willing and surrendered heart.  In 2003 God spoke to me to write a book.  In 2007 I published my life story of 14 years of horrific abuse at the hands of my stepfather trembling at how my family would receive my disclosure to the world.  None of my fears came to pass and I have received hundreds of responses from readers who say my book helped them.  In 2008 I founded VOICE Today, trembling with fear, with more questions than answers of how, and who and what?  Today we have reached millions with a message of child sexual abuse awareness, prevention and healing.    

I gaze at my blank 2012 calendar with great anticipation and expectation of lives that will be impacted for good because of my resolve and the resolve of the VOICE Today staff to never give up on being a voice for the voiceless.  Those who are hurting in the aftermath of sexual abuse need our determination and resolve to help them find their voice.    We are committed to tell the world about the child sexual abuse epidemic, how we can not only predict but prevent child sexual abuse to protect children and how survivors need compassion and nurturing to heal.    We will never waiver in our commitment to this critical cause.  If you have a committed heart to make the world a safe place for children and a healing place for survivors please join The VOICE MOVEMENT at www.voicetoday.org.  We need your resolve!

All I Want For Christmas...

At five years old, toothless, I sang, “All I want for Christmas is my two front teeth,” but deep down I wanted so much more.  I wanted a day without fear of abuse.  I wanted that childlike wonder that I saw all around me at Christmas time.  Abuse came in all flavors in my home.  One wrong move and it was all out war, with screaming of obscenities, swinging of fists, open hand slaps across the face, pulling of hair, shaking until  fireworks burst in my head.  Then in moments of calm I tried to catch my breath, but I was lured behind closed doors.  Shockingly, my stepfather was even so brazen to conduct his evil out in the open.  He forced me, with his iron hand, to perform perverted acts and tell me how much he loved me and this special time was our secret.  He said he needed to teach me so much about life.   If ever I rebelled the violence would escalate and then he would turn on my mother and blame me.  As I grew older he threatened killing my mother if I ever told.  My abuse started at age 3 and did not end until age 17. 

As a grown woman I know too much about life.  I know about the most evil acts perpetrated on a child.  Though for years I felt to blame, I know now I did nothing to deserve such inhumane violence.   

Days before Christmas my heart breaks for to the millions upon millions of children that are suffering in their own personal hell, bearing the burden of abuse alone with the world turning a blind eye.   There are millions of children whose childlike wonder has been robbed by child sexual abuse and I know that pain.

I may be idealistic but all I want for Christmas is a world that is safe for children and healing for survivors.  My Christmas wish is for adults to face the silent epidemic of child sexual abuse with a courage and compassion to make a difference.   We can not continue to look the other way while millions of children are slaughtered by sexual abuse, and while millions of adults live in the shadows, hiding the pain of abuse with most of them suffering in self destructive behaviors.    Courage means that you become vigilant and a protector of the most vulnerable among us, and compassionate to those who have suffered.  My Christmas wish is to save the innocence that is stolen and to protect the childlike wonder and joy that is destroyed through these vile acts. 

I wish more people would (that you would) get involved with our Movement, THE VOICE MOVEMENT, to battle for social change in terms of addressing the root issues behind abuse, legal change with removing the statute of limitations for prosecuting, and educating adults who work with and around children about prevention and protection.  As I plow through all the daily  issues and challenges associated with VOICE Today, I wish for the resources and the people to do the work needed, and for strategic relationships to be established that will allow us to get our prevention and protections training materials recognized, accepted, widely distributed, and everyone is trained to predict and prevent.   I pray for a day when my phone doesn’t ring with another story of a child whose been brutally assaulted and left confused and injured to navigate life, which already holds mountains of challenges.  My wish is for THE VOICE MOVEMENT to become viral to promote awareness, prevention and healing programs worldwide.

You can help make my Christmas wish come true.  Please take five minutes to watch the VOICE Today POP Points.  VOICE Up, have courage to protect the children in your sphere of contact.  Join the VOICE MOVEMENT – donate, volunteer, host a prevention and healing workshop in 2012! 

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

Breakdown... Breakthrough... Break Free

The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. 

(Psalm 34:18 NIV)

A glass slips out of my hand, I immediately grab a broom and sweep up the broken pieces and throw it in the trash.  I make certain all the pieces are discarded so weeks later we aren’t performing surgery with a sewing needle to dig a piece of glass out of a foot.  I make sure to prevent future pain from my mistake.  Broken items immediately loose their worth in the world.  Even a crack deems them damaged and no longer valued.  If I dispose the glass in the trash, it goes to a landfill and looses value forever.  But if I take the shattered pieces and place them in my recycle bin then within months this broken glass will be re-purposed to possibly become a test tube that holds the cure for cancer.

I viewed my own emotional brokenness the same way.   I spent years hiding severe emotional, verbal, physical and sexual abuse at the hands of my stepfather.  I believed the lies of the enemy that I was damaged goods and had lost my value because my scars of pain, shame and guilt.  These, I thought, represented sin in my life.  As a result, I wanted complete control over this pain and spent an enormous amount of energy trying to keep “it” together, fighting the insanity and hiding my brokenness in the deepest crevices of my soul.  I suffered in a silent prison of pain.  As I swept up my broken glass and took it to the garbage, I kept my pain well hidden and even feared that, as the residue of glass on the floor could injure someone, my pain could hurt others.    I embraced silence as a way to protect others, even though I believed they in some ways contributed to my vulnerability and abuse.   I was convinced by my abuser that I deserved the brutality and he reinforced this message by constant berating me.   I thought the masks I used to hide my reality gave me complete control and protect from being discarded, if my secrets of violation and perversion were revealed.  I spent a time hiding each piece of my broken life, believing the lie that I was worthless.

It took years for me to discover the truth.  ¹⁷The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit: a broken and a contrite heart, O God, thou wilt not despise. (Psalm 51:17 KJV). The truth is that Gods values our brokenness and our brokenness is a most valuable treasure in God’s hands.  The truth is God puts a value on broken things, especially broken people.  The truth is that God wants to re-purpose our brokenness for great things.  It took my second suicide attempt to allow my complete and total breakdown and it was through that breakdown that I received my breakthrough to truth.  But praise God I did not stop there.  I am on a journey to truly break free, overcoming the pain and destruction caused by my childhood abuse.  Breaking free meant to be completely open and honest, even vulnerable about my past; releasing all the power it held over me.

Just like the broken glass, I delivered my pain to God’s recycle bin to be re-purposed for Kingdom use and for Him to change lives through me.  Just like the recycled glass can save a life, my vulnerability in sharing the pain and progress of healing through my faith in Jesus Christ can change lives.  The re-purposing of my pain has birthed an organization, VOICE Today, Inc., to be a speak for the voiceless through child sexual abuse awareness, prevention and healing programs.   I challenge you to welcome your breakdown, receive your breakthrough and break free to be used mightily by God.  I will never know where the broken glass of my life will end up, but I work to do my part by placing it in the recycle bin to be molded for a new and wonderful plan that only God knows.  Now all that pain, totally surrendered to the hands of our Father God, will be Molded by the Potter for a new and powerful use to help others break free.

Visit VOICE Today at www.voicetoday.org and learn how God is birthing a grassroots movement to protect children and help survivors heal!